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Formatting is not showing through on the published website page, which is awful. I’ve tried everything and nothing worked, so I instead gave each character a color for their dialogue to help differentiate. I’m not sure that it was 100% necessary, but maybe it makes it easier anyways?
INT. AOA IS COOKING – EVENING
ANGELA, KYLIE, PATRICK, and JEREMY step into the cozy restaurant. It’s dimly lit and extremely fancy – waiters are dressed in black tie suits, the tables are a dark mahogany wood, polished and pristine. Black fabric napkins are folded and set atop each plate. Din is present but not loud.
Angela leads the pack and then looks around as they all stand at the hostess stand.
With one glance, the HOSTESS knows exactly who they are. The artists.
HOSTESS
Reservation for four, right this way…
She briskly leads them to a table with upholstered booth seating, near the kitchen. Kylie and Angela sit on one side, and the boys take the other.
The hostess takes their drink orders and walks away.
Patrick folds his hands on the table and leans in.
PAPA PAT
Guys, we have to talk about-
Just then, THE CHEF walks up to their table.
THE CHEF
(low, in a french-ish accent)
Good evening masseurs, mademoiselles. Would you like to know our specials for the evening?
KYLIE
Uh, yeah, sure. That would be great, I guess.
ANGELA
Would love to know the wine menu, when you get a chance.
PAPA PAT
Uh, guys.
JEREMY
Ooh, look.
He turns his menu around for them all to see.
JEREMY (cont’d)
They have shrimp!
PAPA PAT
That’s really nice, Jeremy. You guys, we have to talk about the episode.
ANGELA
(looking at her menu)
OH MY GOD!!
She turns her menu around, too.
ANGELA (cont’d)
THEY HAVE CANOLIS!!
Kylie peeks over at it and then back at her own and points to a line of the drink menu.
KYLIE
I was looking at this margarita. It has Chutney in it. I’ve never heard of Chutney in a margarita. Is that normal?
ANGELA
Wait, where? … Oh my god, they have red. NEED that! TALLL glass.
PAPA PAT
Uhm-
THE CHEF
Our finely made canolis are curated with specially imported ingredients from Italia, madame. And I personally will select a red wine for you – only our finest.
PAPA PAT
(mainly to himself)
This is really great, you guys. I’m so glad we went out for dinner.
ANGELA
So sorry, Pat. I know; we gotta talk about the ep. But also, look at these menus, they’re gorgeous!
We have really, very, incredibly talented patrons.
They did ALL of this.
JEREMY
Hey guys, guess what I brought?
Jeremy sneakily pulls out his phone, which has a webpage open on it.
JEREMY (cont’d)
The soundboard.
Mr. On blast sounds out from their booth. A couple near a window turns their heads toward the table.
PAPA PAT
Okay, Jeremy, that’s really nice – but also, put it away. Okay? We’re disturbing the other patrons.
Jeremy repeats the audio, louder this time.
More heads turn. Someone gives a look.
PAPA PAT
Jeremy, it’s really nice that you enjoy the soundboard, but you have to put that away in the restaurant.
Mr. On blast plays one more time. Angela grabs his phone out of his hands then, despite him trying to yank it away in time. She triumphantly turns it off and sets his phone on her booth between her and Kylie.
ANGELA
No, you have to put it away. You can have it back after dinner.
JEREMY
What?! Am I a child? Why are you guys treating me like a toddler?
ANGELA
(trying to keep a straight face, but failing and chuckling)
Because maybe you’re being one.
JEREMY
Kylie, tell them to stop.
KYLIE
Why am I in this? I’m not your mother.
JEREMY
(mischieviously)
You know who is my mother, who I can call, though…?
ANGELA
With what?
JEREMY
Oh, right.
He pretends to pout.
(I know what you’re thinking, Jeremy: “I don’t ever pout!” Just go along with it, okay?)
PAPA PAT
You both are children. Angela, give Jeremy his phone back. Jeremy. Do not – and I’m serious about this – do not use Mr. On Blast in the restaurant. If you do, you’ll lose privileges; I’ll log you out.
JEREMY
You guys are no fun. The patrons love it.
ANGELA
No, they don’t, Jeremy. Look at them.
She points to a table near the window where a couple sits, still staring, a little perturbed.
JEREMY
That’s just two people.
ANGELA
(a little shocked; with big sister energy)
Jeremy! Those are our patrons! Don’t talk to them like that!!
PAPA PAT
Okay, you guys-
KYLIE
Speaking of don’t talk to them, I can think of at least one person I want to talk to, and it’s the PATRON OF THE WEEK THIS WEEK! On… Jeremy acts like a child, week!! (insert your name here) !!!
JEREMY
What? Why is this about me?
ANGELA
(y/n) , you and I met when I went to the Apple store to upgrade my iphone, because it wasn’t working. And as it turns out, it just needed an update. So thank you so much for helping me with that. I think about you all the time, and now I have my updates on auto, so I never miss one. Love ya, girlie!
KYLIE
(y/n) , You and I went skiing in the Bahamas one summ- winter. It was in the winter, and-
JEREMY
The Bahamas!? I’m pretty sure the Bahamas doesn’t even have a winter.
KYLIE
(continuing)
It was a very cold winter and the skiing didn’t work, really, because we were just on lots of sand. We were on the beach. Okay, fine, we were tanning, but we were supposed to go to the Alps, where we were going to ski. Anyway, I’m so glad I took that detour with you, and I can still feel that sunburn I got from laying on the beach. Miss you so much, we need to go on vacay again soon.
JEREMY
(y/n) , I met you when you were in the audience of SNL and you absolutely loved Mr. On Blast. Thanks for being my biggest fan. Next time, let’s go grab lunch.
PAPA PAT
(y/n) , I can’t believe it’s been fifteen years since we last saw each other. And that’s really wild to me, because it still feels like yesterday when we took a walk down the boardwalk in Santa Monica and got bratwurst sausages from a really bad little vendor cart. I think I still have a stomach ache from eating that. Anyways, I hope the past fifteen years have been great to ya, and let’s get together again soon. Maybe we’ll try sushi this time. From a real restaurant. Like this really nice one.
ANGELA
As always, you guys, we love you so much, and Patreon of the week means nothing, except that we appreciate that you are part of this Patreon. Go check out our new merch release!!! And we love you guys so much. Byyeee!
ALL
Open arms! Under a rug!!
The Chef clears his throat.
THE CHEF
Ahem! That was quite… endearing.
They all look somewhat sheepishly toward him.
THE CHEF
No, pleas-a. I do not mean to embarrass any of you. I only wanted to introduce you to our specials of the week and to encourage you, after you have tried a dish, please write a review on our website, in ze comments undzer ze dish you tried.
Zat is all. Pleas-a, enjoy your evening.
Mademoiselle Angela, your complimentary wine and canoli will be out shortly. Mademoiselle Kylie, I will curate a special margarita just for you, that has no Chutney in it. And, um, shrimp for the table. On me.
He winks as he heads back to the kitchen. Back super straight. It’s then that you realize how tall his hat is. And that means he cooks really really well. So you should really try his dishes. Like, really, you really should.
Explore the menu, here!!
ANGELA
(calling out to the chef)
I’m so sorry. Can I also ask for a big meatball.
Chef turns back around, a glorious smile on his face – as though it’s the greatest thing that someone would ever ask him that.
THE CHEF
(proudly, warmly)
I shall bring-a you ze biggest meat-a-ball you have ever seen.
FIN!
Post-Script Notes:
I can’t believe I never fit “girls talk veggies” into this. I meant to, and I forgot, because the dialogue just kept rolling out, lol, and then suddenly we were at the end.
Also, I have no idea why Pat ended up being talked over so much in this script, but that’s kind of how it worked out.
Not based on real events.
Also, I obvi wasn’t going to encourage the “talk over Ang” trope, so that wasn’t ever going to happen in this 😌🫶🏻
Also, unfortunately, my vote lies in music permissions going back to Pat – I love the Patreon sound board. But music clips from YouTube are far too loud, and Jeremy trolls over everybody when he has the controls 😭
Random note, too: the screenshare doesn’t do the fancy in-theatre thing when Jer screenshares. Idky, because it took a while of Pat screensharing for it to do it, but it finally did start consistently sharing within the theatre, but now we’re back to full-screen cut-ins, so we miss everyone’s reactions 🥺
This was a long note, sorry 😅
The Artists Are Cooking 